I am who I am...

said i wouldn't call, but i've lost all control

2009-11-11T19:56:00.002-06:00

doing a job for years allows you to figure out a few things, short cuts. things that just work better. at dinner tonight, i was at the bar and the bartender asked me what made a dirty martini "dirty". shocked, i was. how are you a bartender and not know one of the staple drinks in the world of entertainment?

and i won't even get into how wrong it was for mister waiter standing next to me, wine key in stationary hand while he was twisting the bottle....scratching the bar with every turn... to pull the cork out.

...on a completely separeate note, i'm disappointed.... and hurt.

i'm asking him to change his ways

2009-11-07T21:21:00.002-06:00

this is it. what a wonderful man the world has lost. so misunderstood, in my opinion. his final work has inspired me. my one life regret slapped me in the face good today. i have no idea why i ever quit dancing. it was my true love... and after the amazement i saw on the big screen today, i want to find that love again! take a look at yourself and then make a change. thanks mj.

concrete jungle where dreams are made of

2009-11-04T17:17:00.002-06:00

per request from the ONE person who apparently still reads this...i'm updating my blog.

honestly, not much to write about, especially since i'm working on the book. it's amazing how much of a journal it's turning out to be...sorta. between my own life and those around me, it's (hopefully) going to be quite interresting. a few of the cronies can't get enough of it already, which is promising. i'm just concerned that character development won't be good enough for those who don't know me. we'll see! it's occupying much of my time, which is needed when you live in a small town with not much to do.

leaving for kansas in a few days. i NEVER thought i'd be excited to be going there. but it's escaping my current reality for a bit. and then going to tx for thanksgiving to see the bro will be checking 2 new states off the list in one month... i think i'm up to 29 or so now!

2009-10-01T20:41:00.001-05:00

feeling defeated. with a heavy heart.

the echoes from the past

2009-09-26T19:42:00.002-05:00

i have a 6th sense sometimes. the ability to think of something or someone and shortly afterwards that something or someone appear out of the blue. i was thinking yesterday about a girl i was friends with in 2nd grade who had moved away 1/2 way through the 3rd grade. it's been nearly 18 years.

walking into a local establishment last night meant avoiding the bachelorette party that was happening. a quick glance at the one donning the veil had stopped me in my tracks. my eyes grew wide and i blurted out her name. analeigh yelled mine back at me and old friends were instantly reunited.

it's funny how things happen.

just what did you do, if you're a dream then come true

2009-09-12T21:43:00.003-05:00

do dreams come true? does everyone end up with some sort of happy ending? ..obviously not.

i'm hoping that every day, my actions and choices will eventually lead me to both of these. i am saddened for those who compromise their own happiness for the happiness of others. i really believe that your happiness needs to come before anyone else's and if you sacrifice that, you are actually doing disservice to everyone who happens into your world.

so although, i'm not at the best place in my life right now, i continue on. i continue to find one thing each day, or every other day, to better myself. to grow myself. to inch toward my happiness. to take baby steps toward my dreams and hopeful happy ending.

next baby step? ...finding a name.

i'd rather feel pain than nothing

2009-08-29T15:18:00.000-05:00

wisdom teeth suck. i can't wait to be rid of them

i think of all the education that i missed

2009-08-17T19:47:00.001-05:00

back to school? it's a thought.

I know you´ve got a little life in you yet

2009-07-22T21:13:00.002-05:00

generally, i'm a joker in uncomfortable situations. most of the time it ends up being about the fact that my biological father died of cancer when i was a baby. i'm pretty insensitive about the entire situation, mainly because i was too little to allow it to effect me.

but tonight, i found myself weeping while doing dishes at a dance show that choreographed a dance about a woman going through breast cancer. every once in a while my cold, hard, emotionless (about this situation) shell breaks down... about once a year, come to think of it. about this time last year, i found myself bawling on the phone to a friend about this very situation.

my dad died, of cancer, and cancer sometimes makes me sad. because it's so rutheless.. because i've not only gone through it with my father, but i've watched my grandfather die of it and i also had a personal scare. shit's heavy, man. tears sometimes fall...

the band an i exchanged a look best described as terror

2009-07-10T12:12:00.002-05:00

i learned this week that no matter what, check the comments posted below an article before you send the article link out to your entire team...including managers and HR. trust me on this one.

this is pretty funny, though. being a frequent travler, and having a similar experience with United, i completely adore this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YGc4zOqozo

hope there's gas in daddy's ford, 'cuz i'm out of here

2009-06-18T06:17:00.001-05:00

to be 90 and still going strong? yes please.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Cleveland Plain Dealer,. "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taughtme. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends andparents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what theirjourney is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; Godnever blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second oneis up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take nofor an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyoneelse's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

it's too bad that all these things can only happen in my dreams

2009-06-04T06:33:00.002-05:00

searching for ways to accomplish my big dream. i somehow don't think it's going to be as easy as i wish it would be...

everything in it's right time

2009-05-16T08:51:00.003-05:00

snow... on may 16. this is ridiculous! but i'm hoping my positive thinking turns this around. although i'm sitting at the coffee shoppe clutching a steaming cup of joe, i am in capris and flip flops.

keep dreaming of warmth... and in one week, i will be hanging in warm California with my twin doing things that twins do. the trip to london this spring got my travel bug activated once again. good thing work allows me to get out of the office every now and then. and good thing i have fun places in my territory. i'm actually quite excited to visit LA for the first time. and i'm pretty sure that my visit to San Fran last time was not all it could've been. yay!

don't be so scared of what you don't know

2009-05-09T19:19:00.002-05:00

after years, i have finally said it out loud. i've acknowledged something that many close to me have speculated. well, i've at least acknowledged that the idea may be the reason i am the way i am.

last week, i found myself crying while watching a t.v. show because of the friendships and relationships that the characters had. ones that i wished i could have. understanding it was only a show, it was hollywood, it still makes you long for something like that. or long for it back, because i thought i had that once.

it all comes back to this admittance.

now comes the deliberation... what to do. there's that fear of doing anything and the potential for things to change positively or negatively. or leave things as they are, accept not knowing and move on...

one love, one life

2009-05-06T17:36:00.001-05:00

i think this is absolutely beautiful and amazing. happy birthday to me!

i need no permission

2009-04-27T20:15:00.001-05:00

just trying to keep a smile on the face.

save your soul before you're too far gone

2009-04-19T20:43:00.002-05:00

tough weekends make a stronger person.

spending time with childhood friends allow the realization of how far one has grown.

i'm missing certain people... loads of ME TIME lately. even i become overwhelmed with ME soemtimes.

it's the climb

2009-04-13T21:10:00.003-05:00

i have been contemplating lately.

thought long and hard about becoming a home owner. finally made my last car payment this month and decided today that perhaps it's ok for me to just put that car payment into savings for a year or so. maybe then i'll have a decent down payment when i am READY to have that responsibility.. and i'm not sure i'm ready for those kinds of roots.

i will be going to the gym regularly again. i can not believe how great it makes me feel no matter how much i hate it when i go. note to self: you have an inhaler for a reason. don't forget it. no need for dying any time soon!

my job is pretty spectacular. not many people enjoy going to work every day... but i do!

and because of points 1 and 3, i may get to spend memorial day with my twin colleen in wine country! jury's still out on that one, though...

i'm still working out what direction the book is going to go. i'm a bit frustrated with it, but i think that's just natural. i feel like there's enough there for about 3 different stories.

right now though, i REALLY need to unpack my suitcases and clean my house. weekend visitors are a bit of the motivation that i may need.

you don't know the one who dreams of you at night

2009-04-07T06:23:00.002-05:00

i have always had dreams. ones i can remember. mostly good dreams, ones of hope, promise for the future. once in a while my own head throws me for a loop. last nights was so far from left field... lovely, but depressing at the same time. initially pure happiness filled my heart and then it set in that it was not real and those from my past that i loved so much disappeared again and the disappointment wrapped itself around my heart.

where were you?

2009-03-31T17:05:00.002-05:00

i just looked at this blog in disgust. it almost appears that lack of (good??) blogging is directly correlated to sobriety and lack of caffeine. what happened to this thing since college? perhaps it's just that it's not funny anymore because there's no one in on the joke.

i got to go home

2009-03-22T03:03:00.002-05:00

2.5 hours of sleep to top off the week. tipsy 8 times in 6 days. had a glorious time...saw so much. more grateful for the hospitality and friendship that we've been shown than we may ever get to express. and now back to the states... back to reality. boo.

somewhere over the rainbow

2009-03-16T03:43:00.002-05:00

excitement, ridiculousness, tiredness... yesterday.

1am wake up call. my hands blackened from a pen explosion on the plane, taking a few minutes to figure out that the "push" on the lavatory door meant that's how you got in there...

things already checked of the "to do" list:

-make friends with a royal guard

-riding a double-decker red bus

come fly with me, come fly fly away

2009-03-13T19:41:00.001-05:00

picture blog... of our trip:

http://dawnandconniedolondon.blogspot.com/

dontcha know you get what you give

2009-03-11T06:39:00.002-05:00

overflowing with excitement. work has been difficult to concentrate on and i can only imagine that as the days tick down, it will only get worse. 4 days and i will be on the longest flight of my life thus far... just praying a snowstorm doesn't hit that we have to drive through at 3 in the morn! sunday morning will be the biggest temptation to break my lental promise.

focus needed for 3 more days. whoo!

if it's not too late for coffee i'll be at your place in ten

2009-02-24T21:18:00.001-06:00

giving up coffee for lent. ugh. i'm not sure i'll survive. in the mean time, tea will be my best friend. god, i hate peer pressure!