let the sunshine in
i don't know if i've ever been more unhappy with the way my life has been going than i am just now. i sat at my desk today and, in the silence that is so contradictory to who i am, cried for a good 15 minutes. i know a few reasons why. but am still baffled as to how those reasons could make me weep as they did. must be more than just that. i expected so much more out of myself. i keep letting myself down, i keep letting those who believed in me down. i can do better.no one realizes how exciting this trip to chicago actually is for me. for st. paddy's.... i miss the hustle and bustle of the city. not even just for the weekend. but i really miss it. i miss cars driving by not being something alarming. i miss people not knowing who i am. i miss doing something that doesn't seem the same day in and day out. it seems as though i miss my life as it was whilst i was in college. although i do not for a minute miss being tested on random lectures that i daydreamed though. someone today told me that i should get a second job...perhaps bartending or waitressing. i have that second job and i am still not busy enough, anonymous enough. i miss anonymity. i miss the people who really know who CONNIE is.
tonight, we watched idol. my sister and my parents along with me. someone on the show said something about their parents and them being supportive or not supportive. i looked at my parents jokingly stating how they'd be SOOO supportive if we decided to pull something like that. my mom, seriously, told me that even when i was in middle school, looked so forward to seeing where my voice could take me. i've never heard this before in my life. and although i've always enjoyed belting a song or two, never really believed that i had something extraordinary with my voice. mom dreams of me one day being the star of hairspray on broadway. as long as she supports me while i'm an understudy, i'm all game. now THAT would be a job that i truly enjoy.
seriously.... chicago. the one thing i'm looking forward to. if you can come play, i'd love to see you. seriously. i can't wait.
posted by Connie Mia @ 9:19 PM
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