the weather outside is frightful

it was the first REAL snowfall of the year last night. rained all day yesterday and the showers turned to freezing rain and then the white stuff. its funny to see people walking on ice and snow for the first time in 7 months... )c*: ... its only been 7 months!?! why am i still here? i noticed this morn that i'm not in the full body convulsion shiver mode anymore. the cold is now expected and my body is ready for the walks in it.

wishing happy days from the snowy-blowy minnesota (but only from here for another 20 days!!!)

put 'em together and what have you got? bippidy boppidy boo

i feel like there's a trap door falling from under my feet and i don't know if i should grasp onto the sides as i'm falling or just let go and see where this door takes me to. i've not wanted to cry so much in my life as i have in the past few days. i'm finally realizing that my life is being turned upside down... and for the first time in my life, i don't know what to do. i have so many conflicting thoughts that even the least bit of thinking about a future confuses me. i need a fairy godmother to tell me what to do... doesn't even need to be a fairy godmother. just someone.

i want a load of chocolate, a load of good wine, a big bubble bath and some good music. and i want to not have to worry about anything... ANYTHING. i want to be a child again... not the adult that i technically am. god this sucks.

anyone have words of wisdom or direction.. .this chica's needing some bad.

its my loss, my lonely, my mistake, mine only

how can the one place that you're supposed to feel most at home make you feel so unwelcome? you don't want to be there, but there's no where else to go. you feel so helpless, so lost, like a failure. i think its been 4 years since i heard "we're proud of you". had to look inside for a long time, rely on others... people who i shouldn't have had to rely on. there's definately two different worlds in this house now, two clashing worlds. its gonna be tough, but that just may be motivation enough for me to not get stuck. i don't want to run away, but i'm not sure there's any way around it. i just may die here. strong words, perhaps too strong. but its been one of those eye opening, emotionally draining holidays. highs and lows all around, having people trying to put thoughts of staying in my head, me believing that i could make that work and me also not being able to be myself and concluding that it will be temporary. by the time i'm 23, i will be some place else... i PROMISE.

i'm gon' stick with you.

it was just as i predicted. "no, no.. just one or two... i'm really tired 'cuz last night kicked my ass... "..... fuck. its almost bar close and i just got home... couldn't even finish my last one... i felt bad.

it was one of those nights back home. hanging out with those that you don't see often. had drinks boughten by the boy who was my friend all through school and used to be my bus buddy 'cuz we only live like a mile away from each other and rode the same bus home since we were in kindergarten. hadn't seen him since graduation... he's home tempararily from Iraq.

ran into some awkward situations. people who i didn't know if it should be weird or not while talking to them. some peeps who i've never met before but upon returning to medford for a little while, am sure they'll be my friends.

i have the hiccups. we saw a femmullet... it was horrible... i think we're all scared.

simple minded people... huh...

its a hard knock life

a few things i've been thinking about today, probably soley because i'm in one of those "why did i do that last night" state of minds....

- why do all coffee shoppes have different names for the sizes. i shouldn't have to resort to "BIG" just to get my point across. someone needs to work on universalizing coffee size lingo... although i don't want to be that person.

-i'm trying to come up with a title for my "sort of autobiography"... well, i guess it will be my autobiography with some names changed to avoid defamation. either way, it needs a title, however, i suppose thats not crucial before it even starts being written... but january will come quickly.

- can someone explain to me why i think its a good idea to have two big beers at bar 1 and drink a full pitcher by myself at bar 2... all within 3 hours.... (i have become a pansy in the last few months with the drunken level being much less than i would like to admit)

- how long is it until 2:30... how long of a nap can i take before driving home?... how bad will traffic be this weekend..... haha, i just referred to it as the weekend when anyone not in the US has two more days of work/school/whatever.

-i wonder if the guy who sold me my new phone last night included the text messaging that i SO need. i just may be screwed.

-i hate hangovers... i'm never drinking again.

-laughing a lot at myself for that previous statement as i KNOW that tonight will be a repeat of last night only with my townie friends.

- what should i get on friday... i'm the designated driver for my mom and her sisters on THE BIGGEST SHOPPING DAY OF THE YEAR... 4 am comes pretty quickly, but damn, we gots to be there before they open the doors!

-i want to see the world... Nay, i NEED to see the world... i wish it was free.

-has anyone seen my passport?... hmm, could be another case of my car eating stuff again...

-really digging the Pilot G-2 07 pens that we have at work... you know, those gel pens with the fine tip, the oh so nice ones. really digging them

-i get a bed this weekend!!!! not just my "dutch whore" matress. oh man, that was just a super wave of excitement

-really wishing that i could print more than one sheet at a time.

-craving turkey

... my god, i could play this game all day.

see the world, there's so much more out there than this

ya know, i understand people's disgust with the U.S. government. i, myself, become more disgusted every day, but there comes a point where the vocalizing becomes disrespect. and just like religion, i believe that if it isn't yours, you don't have the right to disrespect it. it saddens my heart when people do that. whether it is or isn't yours, you have the choice to live with it and when you've made that choice, you need to suck up the consequences that come with it. its called being tolerant.

its the first time this semester that i've actually studied. mary and i started at the coffee shoppe last night and when that shut down we took our books to the bar and had a beverage while taking in information. bright and early at the library... i need to go to my first class, but am really afraid that if i do, my test will suffer....... damn it! will the test score really suffer much more if i go to class? my luck is that most days when i skip that one, she hands out projects and stuff. i think i have to go, for fear of missing more shit in that "no test, only projects and assignments" class.

i'm very much missing a lot of people right now. its funny how often i think about them, really. every time i go through the card section at any store, i'm bound to start laughing out loud while thinking "so-and-so would LOVE this.... or i would LOVE to see the look on their face". big hugs from me to you... 'cuz i know you read this. (c:

i got miles of trouble spreadin' far and wide

lists of things to do today don't seem to fit my schedule... too much stuff, too little time. today in the office, the boss is gone. its just me and nathan... a former intern here that since returning with a wife from a 3 year hiatis in japan has become a part-time employee like me. when we're here together, less gets done, but we sure laugh a lot. we came up with a new south park idea today, based loosly on the time that i walked into a parking meter in DC, gave myself a concussion and threw up on the Capital Building lawn the next day because of the incodent.... except in the SP episode, cartman threw up on Kennedy's eternal flame (putting the thing out) and was exiled with his family from the country.

yeah.... well, at least we found humor in the thing.

i'm being phased out of this job... came to work today to have my voicemail replaced with that of the new girl. its like i'm gone already, yet i'm still here. being pushed out 2 weeks before originally promised and have had my hours cut in half for weeks now. i think this is what they refer to as the short end of the stick. guess i'll just have to wear my skirt a little higher and my shirt a little lower at the other job to make up the monetary difference.

i've decided that when i get done with school, move back home and start seriously, SERIOUSLY job hunting, to occupy the rest of my time, i'm going to start writing. i have a few ideas... one being my life story, which will definately be a dramatic comedy... and the other happens to be my rules for life... there are about 10-15 compiled at this time and you may see them from time to time as my screen-name, however those are simply titles to the chapters... both should be good reads and if you have nomadlife coupons, you may just get a discount for these best-sellers (c;

i'm kinda sick of the st. cloud. most everyone is gone from here that i want to spend time with. i'm getting tired of the replacements, and the ones that are still here that are worth time are busy so much that its hard to find quaility time. i need friends that will return calls, that want to do lunch, that appreciate my love for cheap wine and like a shisha every now and again. i'm missing my girlies and claude-o... a lot. and i can't wait to move home and reconnect with those friends with the reliable qualities that i have back there...

i need to start letting go. start realizing that time is becoming short and that what has been part of me for the past 4.5 years will be history soon. i think i do realize this, i just need to start accepting it. in t-minus a month, my life like this will be no more. i will be a grown up, no more "i'm a college student and therefore its acceptable" behavior. no more all-nighters (studying or drinking). ... i really need to start accepting that.

these boots are made for walkin'

things are falling into place brilliantly... what may have been a "pain in the ass to pull off" trip down to minneapolis is turning out to be one of the best pieced together concoctions i will pull off in a long while. i'll work in st. cloud, drive down after work to have a stiff one with aaryn while crashing at the digs target's put her in for interviewing purposes, drop her at the airport in the morn, have coffee with a long lost friend that i've not seen in months (also getting the cap and gown from her that i will need in 30 days!), possibly lunch with another friend named amy if i ever pull the stick out of my ass to call her, and then a wedding shower for a cousin's fiance where i get to see all my cousins and aunts as my mother hath proclaimed me the "family rep." for this one, then driving back to st. cloud for work in the eve..... see what i mean?!.. brilliant.

what the hell is this supposed to mean?
Daily Horoscope by Astrology.com
Thursday November 17, 2005
Taurus
A long-distance I Love You won't just come as a shock to you -- it will utterly knock your socks off. No one says you'll be upset about it. In fact, you may find yourself grinning.

i'm concerned.

i walked to class with a friend this morning and we both noted how crazy it is that we accept as normal the fact that our ears were burning with chill and we could no longer feel our thighs. i hate that.

its just day to day, trying to make ends meet, what i'd give for an address out on easy street

i was fired 3 times tonight... by that one hot manager who also likes to wink at me and feed me beer and wine... its not the first time that he's fired me and it surely won't be the last.

i get so frusterated when one person has to make all the sacrifices... when another party claims that they're sacrificing time and money too, but really its less than half of what you're doing... its like you give and give and give and can't ever take a breath, can't ever catch a break. but somehow you're expected to suceed as much or more than the other ones.

its winter jacket weather.... cracked the big lug out today. it all starts.

Working girl, she's a working girl, Living in a man's world

got mom keeping her eyes pealed (that was for holly (c:) for jobs for me.. random bartending/serving positions. apparently my family feels like i neglect them. my little sister thinks i'm weird because i never come home, but feel like flying to new york city is more important than her... so, i figure moving home will curb that a bit.

i think its gonna be hard leaving the Stonehouse. i fall in love with the people there more and more every time i work. sitting with a bottle of cabernet after work, drinking and talking with one of the managers and a fellow server/bartender until after 1 am ... we locked the doors at 11. i'm already doing the "if you need me, just call and i'll come over for a weekend"...

just applied for a corporate job... netto, i had you in mind (c: ... we need to talk soon!

life is soon to get crazy... in a good way, hopefully.

shootin' out stars, runnin' down dreams

i slept!

i've been invited to a "dress to get laid" party tonight... i really don't want to go. however, the friend that's hosting has invited me to his last 8 parties, all of which i have weaseled my way out of. i feel a sense of obligation, here.

i think this is going to be a chill weekend.

if you're gonna fly away, don't fly without me

i've been thinking a lot about the future. sometimes i wonder why because whether or not i think about it, it'll come with whatever unexpectedness it wants. either way, i have been thinking. graduation is in 37 days (which is reminding me that i have discussion questions due in 64 minutes... shit!). i, in no way, shape, or form, have a job lined up or even in the pipeline. this fact isn't a worry right now, its not putting me into hyperventilation mode, which IS confusing to me.

angie told me the other day to just move... i'm pretty sure that when you don't have any money, it makes it a bit difficult to just move. unless its back to the parents house where rent is free, and i can probably mooch for a little while before they call me on it. mooching would mean getting random jobs in medford, possibly substitute teaching, waitressing, babysitting, doing odd jobs and maybe looking for a real job in the meantime. i'm just not sure.

i feel like medford's the only place that i have real connections... i don't see a whole lot of marketing potential in the mostly family business based town, but perhaps i'm just what they need... for a little while... until i am a bit more financially stable.

but if i do that, i could become trapped... could end up being that girl that i was before i left.. the one who didn't have a passport and never really thought of going anywhere out of the country except western europe.

huh... 37 days. that's crazy. who would've ever thought the day would come??

but, then what? i calmly say, "i don't know..."

ltm, nyc 2005

ltm, nyc 2005
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

*note*: this entry was complied throughout a few days and different times during those days. sorry about the choppiness that you may encounter, and please do not assume that the picture that goes with each part portrays any part of what is written next to it. that's just how this cookie will crumble, folks!



11/6/05

ltm… nyc… its good to be back here.

It took me a good 12 hours on Friday to get from my house to Chris’. Mind you, I left my house, ran some errands with Mary before we left, but I’m counting that as travel time.

flaming plate

flaming plate
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

Rolled in at 2ish. I hate the fact that the u train only runs on the mv track between the hours of midnight and 3am and then only on the a9m track between the hours of 3am and 5am… convenient. So, this almost straight shot that I think I’m taking from jfk to the upper west side takes 2 freaking hours… this is after the plane that I boarded in Minneapolis “had a leak” and instead of attempting to fix it and risk putting us all up in flames while in the air, we were moved to a different terminal… everyone unbuckle… you know the whole “getting off the plane routine”… yeah.

nata, chrisp, jen, connie, ronan, claude, missy, aaron

nata, chrisp, jen, connie, ronan, claude, missy, aaron
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

Saturday… Armenian church. Farid’s denomination… its fantastically evil, putting me in a church. Especially when I’m not there for “church” purposes. I kinda forget that I’m IN a church….and go about my usual haram ways.

amanda and rickesh

amanda and rickesh
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

Korean food for the first time in my life… Nata suggested pizza… I was tempted to punch her. PIZZA?!?! We’re in freaking New York City… I can get pizza in Minnesota. So Korean it was. YAY… flaming dishes, miso soup, rice and Claude’s hot sauce. Good shit, man.

rowdies trouble

rowdies trouble
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

…Nata asked me last night.. do you still feel like a tourist here? … I really don’t. I love that. I’ve not felt like I belong anywhere like I feel like I belong in New York City. Even in my hometown…I was sorta an odd duck out. Not that I don’t fit in there, because I do… my roots will always be close to me, but I just LOVE it here so much that I feel like I belong. Its so odd… it didn’t hit me that I was back until we were in the office Saturday morning at 7am… the trains, the languages, the subway performers, the taxis, noise, smells… none of it made me think, OH, I’m BACK! Until I hit the elevator to the office.

chrisp, anna, nay-nay

chrisp, anna, nay-nay
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

Other than chipotle moving into the office neighborhood, I feel like I haven’t missed a beat. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Perhaps its just setting me up for disappointment for the rest of my life.

silo

silo
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

But for the first time in the past few months, I’m not worried about what I’m going to do next. I’m just chillin’. It feels so good where I am right now. And if nothing big, or tiny for that matter, comes my way before its time to move on, I’m good at waitressing, and Paul has pointed me in the direction of the whore houses in the city. The latter is plan B, however… just to clarify.

And next week, you should all expect one of my usual freak outs.. (c:

I love the trouble Jen brings to my life… always that naughty kid in the back of class.. I hate her, so VERY much…

sharing early morning sanity

sharing early morning sanity
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

I also love that during Christina Aguilara’s “FIGHTER” yesterday, Chrisp looked around and finally, after so many years said, “ why am I the only guy ever up here doing dances?”.. he’s a lucky man, really.

Random quote from Brian from OHIO..sitting next to me as I type this during plenary, “I DO love this organization!”… thank you.

As usual…starting on time… only 45 minutes late.

franky's birthday

franky's birthday
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

I’m not sure that the people that work at this Armenian church could hate us more. How many times have we moved today so that they could get into doors?... I couldn’t tell you. Each time is an angry scowl, an “I need to get in there!”, a major shuffle… and another I hate you look from them to all of us.

Ps… Claude’s armpits are not what is smelling up this room right now. Franky, however, could possibly be the culprit.. she’s 21 today (Sunday)..

shisha

shisha
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

The sign on the wall says “Occupancy by more than 660 persons is dangerous and unlawful”. We’re dangerously close, folks. I do believe that we’re pushing 653 this round of leaders. Expanding is part of our goals this semester, … holy shit, these peeps have taken things to extremes.

sofa king

sofa king
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

Other signs posted here say “No Smoking… Please.” I think the “please” has gotten them into problems. The please implies a request, not that not smoking is a necessity of these premises. It smells in here, not only of Franky, but also of cigarettes.

As I look around here, I’m amazed by the attractiveness of this group. Holy crap are we a good looking cult!

I also want to add that… Aaron’s dreamy … *batting eyelashes*

jillo, jen, suzanne, dana

jillo, jen, suzanne, dana
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

11/7/05

I am amazed at the amount of travel time that I’ve done this weekend. Being Monday, I’m not sure I should be even calling it “this weekend”. None of my planes left on time… Friday’s plane had a fluid leak in the front tire area. They found that out after the whole plane was boarded, so we had to get off and head to a different terminal… and this morning, after being on the subway for a little over an hour, they decide that the crew that’s flying with us didn’t get enough rest for national security standards… push back take-off for an hour and a half, and make me miss my connecting flight. I’m very tired right now.

chrisp and connie

chrisp and connie
Originally uploaded by conniemg6.

I find it quite amusing to watch and observe people. Walking through almost any airport results in seeing people of many different backgrounds. The guys ahead of me in the security line this morn were clearly not from this country. “Take all metal objects out of your pockets and put them in a grey bin for x-raying” …. They must’ve thought that the security guy meant “everything metal except the foot long chain of a bazillion keys you have in your pocket”. I can see the confusion of the statement… I held myself back from giggling out loud as the security dude looked a bit perturbed. Meanwhile, I am being questioned. The woman from, guessing by her strong accent, Brooklyn with an even stronger attitude did the whole “momma, you got a knife in yo bag??? Loo’s like you do.” (in a tone just shy of one of those head swivels and an attitude filled finger snap).

So, with a weekend filled with good friends, good food, good conversations, the usual sing-alongs, shisha, remembering how much I miss the subway and the smells, seeing the sights with first-timers, Flannery’s and a whole lot of goodness, I will be brave here in St. Cloud, Minnesota. For 2 more months, maybe less, and then…who knows. Perhaps something as exotic as Medford, WI is in my future?....

Give me one moment in time, When I'm racing with destiny

its 2 hours before i leave for the airport... i get very irritable when people waste my time. i've been waiting for 25 minutes now for a meeting. the other person has yet to show up but esnures me that he is on his way.

i haven't packed yet.. havent eaten yet today... haven't paid rent..

all need to be done in 2 hours.

while looking at the girl sitting next to me, i have gotten a huge urge to grow my hair long so that i can braid it into one of those fish-tail things and look cooler than that girls braid does.

somehow i'm all about one-upping people.

you make me sick

tolerance... not what it used to be.

water, water, water, water... after 3 beers?! i think my body's pathetic.

AND, i think this new coffee shoppe that they replaced my old coffee shoppe with is out to get me. i am positive that i ordered the wheat bagel with strawberry cream cheese, however, it tastes suspiciously like an onion bagel with strawberry cream cheese..

)c:

you drive me crazy, crazy, crazy for you baby

ever feel like the fate of your LC rides on your sholders?

everyone is bailing on me... i'm now the only one going to ltm from here... i'm trying to talk fast to convince 2 people to buy tickets to simply have someone who isn't graduating this semester retain some info and contribute this weekend. otherwise, its a one woman show, and that's kinda stressful.

1st lc social last night... i think that they could work if given time to catch on. in any case, BWs is good stuff.

i must note, i'm kinda lovin' life right now.

'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

after seeing The Birds way back in highschool, i get completely freaked when birds fly over head. like when i walk into the library and all the little chickadees are hanging out under the awning overhead... or like this morning when i walked past an ally outside my coffee shoppe and a whole slew of pigeons took off. i swear they were after my eyeballs!

is this a common occurrence after watching this movie?