I am who I am...: February 2005

hiv and kangaroos

i can't decide if this is good or bad...

and ONLY in Wisconsin...

i apologize

Rowdie Region, i need to apologize for my absence from friday's festivities.

the weekend is past for another week. there are parts of this that i both love and hate. first of all, i hate the feeling because it means back to the grindstone. no more laying around in PJs until 5 in the afternoon watching all 3 Back To The Future movies in a row and only getting dressed so you can go paint the town... watching one of your favorite bands play live a the local "it place" and knowing that you'll get in free 'cuz you're pretty sure the bouncer taking money digs you. on the plus side, i always feel more human being a productive person... contributing to society.

so, either my mom doesn't have a working memory, or she chose to forget a few things we've discussed in the last month. i'm choosing the latter. she makes my older brother and i do weekly call-ins to make sure that we're still alive and to keep up on our personal lives. lately, though i haven't had a whole lot to talk to her about, so i simply told her that to keep busy these days, i've been working, aiesecing, homework and have been starting to at least think about planning the trips i have in the next 7 months. she remembered that i was thinking about at least going back to NY for a visit this summer, the trip to California for a conference didn't phase her, but when i said "Britain", i could hear that she was about to fall off her chair. i think this hit her 'cuz my cousin's supposed to be getting married around the time i'm planning on going. she was once like an older sister to me 'cuz i don't have any older ones and she doesn't have any younger ones and my mom kinda stood in as a mom for her, but as of the past...5-6 years, the only time we ever talk is when i make the first effort... she hasn't set a date and i'm banking on her not asking me to be a part of the wedding ensamble, so i really feel i have no obligation to attend. ...also, leaving the country is a huge deal for my family... like why in the world would you want to do that. it gets to be pretty frustrating sometimes.

also frustrating me lately: wanting/knowing that you should give people a ring, but knowing that when you do, there will be awkward silences and not really a whole lot to talk about.

which is better?

Quiznos or Subway
Doctor or Dentist
ICX or OGX
Beer or Hard Liquor
Rowdies Region or Everyone Else
Summer or Winter
Fall or Spring
Blue or Green
Books or Movies
By Plane or By Car
Coffee or Tea
Lake or Ocean
Day or Night
City or Country
Giving or Receiving
Domestic or Imported

just curious...

another thing: does anyone have an amazing drink recipe that involves both GIN and MINT?
let me know. thanks!

me?... nieve?

alright...last one for today...promise!

i got bored at work (go figure) and so i started hitting the "next blog" button at the top of most people's pages. kinda freaked me out. it was like leaving home for the first time and realizing that every person out there isn't good and decent. i think i've been pretty sheltered being on nomadlife with all these people who are like me, wanting to save the world and stuff...people i know and love. but man, i got some crazy lady who won't even use names (just letters) to talk about people and her sexlife from college, someone's was like "make them all die...i hate everyone!" in black and red. i did find this one with some really beautiful pictures which put a smile on my face and regained some hope, but then when i clicked "next" up came this person obsessed with pokemon. wow, makes you really be thankful for the people you choose to surround yourself with.

links = laughter

here is my favorite link in the whole world. whenever i'm having a bad day, all i need to do is go HERE and a smile creaps back over my face (whether i have sound or not... although i recommend sound)

and RUSTY's page has a pretty good website posted if you're in the mood for a little english giggle.

teavana

i am in love with tea. two nights ago, some of the st. cloud girls trecked down to the twin cities to meet up with an ever loveable madison girl. holly wanted to stop at the MOA to take back some shoes that were malfunctioning. so, kait and i rode along and told kristi to meet us there. the Mall of America really isn't a big deal here in the MN/WI region. its a big mall, that's it. it does come in handy sometimes when you need to find certain stores and a Hooters all in the same place. there are about 5 stores that i allow myself to frequent there. my favorite? TEAVANA. heaven on earth. i'm completely addicted to tea. which is good 'cuz for the most part, its better for you than coffee. one of the goals i have in life? get as many people hooked on tea as possible. and teavana is the place to do it. raspberry sangria herbal tea iced... unsweetened for me, but any way you'd like. gets 'em every time. i have two new tea lovers!! holly could see the glimmer in my eye when we walked in and just nodded. she's been there before with me and knows what my intentions are when i enter. mwah hahaha. so, iced tea for the moment and some sort of new tea for the future. so far, my tea collection consists of: peppermint, vanilla-almond, raspberry-sangria, and the new addition as of monday night?... green-tea-heaven. and heaven it is. there really are no words for a good cup of tea. its comfort at its finest.

fresh popcorn delicious crisp

back on the holly diet. mmmm.. oh how i LOVE popcorn........... i NEED to stop spending money on such random things such as food. how in the hell am i going to pay for things that are much less random and far more needed such as a passport and trips this summer (3.5 in the works)?

i'm having problems defining the word "friend". like, i know who for sure is my friend. they are those people that know things about me such as why i have 2 dads, what my middle name is, how many siblings i have, what my favorite food is, who my favorite band is, etc. if i would just limit the definition of "friend" to those terms, i would probably have about 20-30. but it would also mean that most of the people that are my friends are those people that i grew up with. there needs to be a word for the in-betweeners and the ustabe's. those that aren't quite a friend but aren't an aquaintance either, and those that were once a friend but have drifted. any suggestions? i was thinking "formers" for the ustabe-ers, but that seems so cold and final. hmmm... i need a new word or words. help.

dreaming of you

i've mentioned before how lifes mysteries are some of the things that intrigue me most. snow falling while the sun is shining, rainbows, rivers never freezing no matter how cold it gets in the winter, butterflies perching on a fresly bloomed flower...etc...

its the stuff that i'm sure mad scientists some where know all about and can prove by using hugely complex equations and words, but i'd rather never hear about ... because if you give me proof, or a solid explaination for things like this, the ambiance of life will have a coldness to it.

i love dreams and the fact that there are only theories to why we have them. i mean the kind that you have while in a slumber, not the ones you have as a child of becoming a firefighter or teacher (or in my case, a cheerleader...). i have them often. a few times a week. most of the time, i can remember what they were about. dreams, not nightmares... rarely (about ever 4 years) do i have a nightmare. i wake with a smile, or a puzzled feeling. why did i just spend my sleep thinking about that or about them? what does it mean? is it purely my feelings, a recap of the days thoughts or a look into the future? some things, i know you dream about because you talk about them the day before or see it on TV, but when you produce a dream about people whom you've never associated with, or wanted to associate with, mixed in with people who were once so incredibly important to you, i get confused. why? what? i haven't talked to them in over 2 years... what does that mean?... did something happen?

yet another reason why life is something that i'm so in love with

late night chop busting

i've vowed not to spend money on coffee any longer. i really can't afford it. and i've weened myself off of the shit. however, in the past 13 hours, i've dropped over $10 on the stuff. i hate lies to myself. this morning, its very much needed... i'm sure there'll be almost that much again dropped in the next 12 hours on it. i got 4 hours of sleep last night and didn't sleep in my bed. i spent the night with kaitlin on holly's computer. up until after 3 am. this would've been OK if i was doing something productive, but as per usual with me, i wasn't. BUT, i was thouroughly entertained for hours (about 4 to be exact) by 3 boys that, i'm almost positive, will be some of the greatest friends (if only for entertainment purposes) that i'll ever find. i'm so glad the four british trainees came to minnesota last month for that no-longer-speakable event. my only wish for last night?... that drew would've joined us too.. but dan, declan and steve have their ways of busting both my and kait's chops and us being so in awe of them that we don't notice... and the chop busting is definately recipricated.. they love us! goal for my life... find a man who can bust my chops and i can bust his... and we can't stand to be without each other.

this is for kaitlin jean metzler

fun stuff from today:
-Gordon wins his 3rd daytona 500
-Bush Calls for New Era in U.S.-European Relations
- Writer Hunter S. Thompson Kills Himself
- Nikkei Flat But Drug Makers Jump
-Medford, WI
- Guess Who's Coming to Dinner Naked?
- Age-appropriate financial lessons for kids
-Garfield
i would like a one page summary on each of these topics... links for most are provided...

updates on pictures you should see

madison, roks and lc bonding

wsc 2005

why am i friends with her?... because she makes me giggle

went out with kait and angie on saturday night. quite an adventure at the green mill ... holly as our server always makes things interesting, however, she wasn't the entertainment for the night (at least not the main source)... a very overweight disgusting man in his mid to late 40s was blatantly obvious about leaning back and checking us out all night, even announced that he "is checking out some hotties over here" (huge noticeable leanback) to the entire bar. after a while, he unbuttoned his plaid shirt and started rubbing his belly ... blech. anyway, out of this enjoyable night with one friend that i spend too much time with and another that i don't spend enough with (not telling which is which) came a quote from the ever quoteable kaitlin.. "old people are the funnest to fuck with". and with that, i had to leave my friends and the ever attractive belly rubbing man at the bar to drunkenly score a college hockey game. i love life

so much yet nothing at all

in the past 24 hours, i've been in contact with friends whom i have not had a complete conversation with for months... two separate occasions. both friends asked what's new with my life. all i could come up with for a response was "so much, yet nothing worth talking about". this caused confusion in both friends tones... one who got semi-pissed (i think she was mostly pissed because i laughed when she told me she got robbed in a grocery store parking lot and chased the guy down in heals and a newly surgeried on heart)... picturing that would make any person laugh really. i told her that it wasn't worth talking about 'cuz she couldn't really relate, and would just be confused with anything that i would say. no one really gets aiesec unless they're submerged in it, or have been submerged in the past. and so comes the very standard (with convos with me, at least) question: "tell me about the men in your life"... again, so much yet nothing at all... and another bit of confusion on the other end of the communication device. rarely do you find it hard for me to talk.. unless you crack out those two questions, apparently. shuts me right up.

sun n snow

the sun is shining, brightly, outside. ( i'm sqinting). yet LARGE snowflakes are falling to the ground. i absolutely love mother nature's little mysteries. (c:

pda thingys and other such

i've never been a fan of the whole extreme PDA thing. don't want to see anyone make out in public, grope each other in public, etc. its wonderful to watch a couple who you're sure are completely in love steal a kiss, or romantic pseudo private glance. but the whole walking down the street with your hands shove in your lover's back pocket or something as such sorta grosses me out. so don't do it if you want me to be your friend... and i encourage you to makeout while groping each other with your hands in back pockets if you never want respect or to converse with me again. ...

i'm kinda in awe of the whole @ pda, though... a big fan. its not the traditional "with your lover" thing and that's why i completely love it. and its not just aiesec that does this, but its where i personally see it happen the most. being able to be apart from each other for months/years at a time, yet still being so completely comfortable with each other that all you can do from the moment you spot each other is run across the room and not let go for minutes. mmm... warm fuzzy. and i, as well as others, forget sometimes that this isn't the norm with all social groups.. take holly and her akward hug with her manager this morning at chamber. was kinda cute 'cuz the guy standing across the table from me was like "ooo, the newbies are giving out hugs!".. and so i reached across the table for an akward hug with a random stranger. not normal, but entertaining none the less.

not just PDAs make me uncomfortable.. i've grown to get uncomfortable in the past few years when i see PDRs. (public displays of religion). i'm all for everyone believing in whatever they want and embracing that, but there's something about someone bowing their head in prayer in a public restaurant that makes me squirm. i'm not sure why that is. i grew up christian and still am, but i've not had a consistent religion... mom and biological dad's families are both lutheran, but different denominations and my dad's family is catholic. i was baptized lutheran, and every other sacrament has been done in the catholic church... but i don't play by all catholic rules. and i think that this may be why i don't like religion being 100% a public thing... because i've had to defend all 3 different religions to the opposing 2 families all of my life.

moral of this post: hug one another and believe whatever you want, but don't pda in front of me if you don't want to be beaten.

ya haram

"we weren't playing scrabble.... or at least not any kind of scrabble that i've ever played before."
-Holly B.

shoes

so, a dog is supposidly a mans best friend, right? well, i believe that a woman's best friend is a good shoe collection. i must admit, mine is pretty stellar, but i have my favorites. and these poor favorites get much use. my current favorite? raspberry pink 1.5 inch kenneth cole heals with pointed toe and a strap across the top. i got them 6 months ago, forgot them at home after x-mas for a month and was helpless without them. have worn them so much that the heal is down to the metal... bad news, but they will continue to be worn. but tonight, holly and i are off (to tj max) to find a new favorite pair...wish me luck!

simplicity rules!

i've come to the conclusion that the simple things in life are the ones that make me the happiest. an email from a long lost friend, a fresh snowfall, realizing that your true friends will be there for you FOREVER, laying in a park ..reading a good book.. watching the tourists that were you last time you were here, walking on bubble wrap. i encourage all those that have never walked on bubble wrap to find a piece today, lay it down on the floor, strap on some shoes and go to town. i guarantee it'll bring a smile to your face. i didn't believe Declan the other day when he told me he accidently stepped on some and how fun it was. but today at work, i accidently stepped on some. its amazingly simply fun. another fun thing to do ... strap on some heals and walk across some cardboard. its similar to stepping on bubble wrap. had me entertained for about 10 mins today at work... bossman just gave me a funny look and chuckled. sometimes i wonder how i still have a job.
watch the sunset, go for a walk in the woods, step on some bubble wrap... be happy today.

townie tally

if anyone that checks my blog, doesn't check holly or kaits, there is an extreme contest going on that you should check out.
holly
kait

thick skin i have none

i've decided that i need to get a thicker skin ... not be so sensitive about certain things. people say things about me and to me that i know are supposed to be taken as a joke, and i know that i don't always take them as that. this is a major character flaw that i have. like... "i can't believe that person, my friend, said that about me" when i know i would want them to take it as a joke if i did the same thing to them. i pretend to be all macho.. mostly with my sailor mouth.. but am extremely self conscious of who i am and what others think of me. mostly the "what others think of me"..

halloween pics

these are a bit late, but here are the pictures that i have from Madison Halloween 2004.
ENJOY!

late nights, early mornings

i love my friends. i don't think that i tell them that enough. i think that maybe i am taking for granted the fact that the ones in st. cloud are currently in st. cloud. i'd be lying if i said that i was nieve about the fact that we are all soon to move on with our lives, but for right now, i'm enjoying our randomness together.

last night, Shiro and her sister made us some Kenyan food. apparently, it didn't exactly turn out, but tasted scrumcious non the less. after a few beverages, some wonderful food and a few bowls of shisha, i got home around 2.30. i'm not quite sure why i continue to wear myself down. probably because time is of the essence. hardly any sleep this weekend and then starting the week off with only 4 last night. rediculous. but this is my life and i'm currently loving it with all of my close friends. one day, when i'm super rich, i'm going to fly all of my friends from all over the world to some exotic location (probably wisconsin) and just be lazy with, literally, all my friends in the whole world. i'll keep you posted on who'll be on that list (bribes are accepted).

in the mean time:
love yourself, love life, love others, ... just love.

better things to do

as most of you probably feel, right now, i should be doing something a hell of a lot more productive than blogging. nomadlife is so addictive, its worse than my coffee addiction was for the past 2 years, and that's a tough one to beat. i have a test in under and hour and a half... yet i'm dead set on figuring out how to get a display picture from flickr to here... not very successful, i might add. this is due to my extreme technological stupidity. can someone please educate me? i kinda suck.

the closest thing i've ever had to having a relationship

2687281-R1-018-7A, originally uploaded by conniemg6.

since its VD, i thought i'd introduce the one man that has been unconsistent at being consistent in my life. he and i have been together for coming up on 4 years. he comes and goes as he must, and the next time we will physically be together is next spring. i miss him very much. ladies and gentlmen, meet Flat Stanley. My BOO!

whew.. another one down

can i tell you how much i love being from the Rowdies Region? i almost feel bad for those of you that aren't. it amazes me how close we all are up here, and i seem to forget that until i meet back up with those people. i mean, aiesec in general is the tightest group of friends spread so far apart that i could ever imagine. but there's something about the midwestern craziness that happens when only the rowdies gets together. 150-200 people together, lack of @ dances and lots of questions... both from newbies and EMs. i LOVE it!

a few questions that i have:
-why did we put ourselves through a pre-party at Madison on Thursday night?
-who put the bongo drum on my passed out head at 6 AM in Madison... and pounded so loud that i un-passed out?
-how did i not know how to truely work powerpoint until this weekend?
-how do hotels/motels not know how to put all 200 people from the same reservation in the same building/wing?
-how did virginities get sold at the date auction?
-why did Carly call Scott Tworek and make me talk to him?
-who busted out the boob zerberts?
-why is it that Holly and I always seem to tag team? (although, paired kiss-marks at WSC was almost as brilliant as seeing how many boys would give in to us taking off their shirts Saturday night.)
-why does the MC have so much faith in me?
-how did we get Shiro to drink on thursday night?

some will never get answers... which is why i heart aiesec!

RoKS

just sitting ... waisting time, while i should be putting powerpoints together, at Purdue. already have threats to be kicked out of the hotel here. madison thursday night/friday morning/friday afternoon was killer. pictures and stories will be along soon...most likely when i get back and get pictures developed... and i have more time.

oh wow

i'm sitting in the coffee shoppe in the library on campus. minding my own business...typing away. i look over to a table across the room. there's a guy sitting there with blaze-orange coveralls, a beanie cap and sorel boots...on campus. its really not that cold out today to be dressing in such randomly warm clothing. its like 25F out... what a crazy place i live in.

mystery solved

apparently my last entry was boring... thanks holly. i'm really not trying to amuse anyone with this thing though. i have so much shit going through my head at random times that i feel its necessary to jot a few things down... and maybe help someone else with my view point.

i skipped night class last night for a training conference call. and because of that (i emailed the prof beforehand) i missed a quiz from a movie they watch. and so, by friday, i'm supposed to watch the movie, take the quiz and do the project they did in class. but i have to work until 2, have a business meeting at 4, gmm at 5 and leaving town at 6. I'M FUCKED. i sometimes hate the choices i make.... meh, ob la di.

i stopped at vanjah's tuesday night to pick up the left over liquor from ice fishing (i swear, this is the last entry this year that will so much as mention that event). i paid for it all, so i wanted the left overs back... hopefully there was some vodka, gin and rum left as i bought 3 1.75L of both vodka and rum and one 1.75L of gin. no rum (damn it trent). one full vodka and about 1/4 of another. as for the gin.... its 3/4 full... Eric and I seemed to be the only ones that enjoy the pine needle taste. i'm OK with that. however, as i looked at my beloved gin bottle, i noticed a slight green hue. smelled it. CREME DE MENTHE. someone dumped some creme de menthe in my precious gin bottle. fuck. who would've ruined a perfectly good bottle of alcohol? creme de menthe in vodka wouldn't have been so bad, but my gin. (tear) . i was (and still am) pseudo devestated...and had no clue who to blame. BUT, last night, i was at holly and kait's, again. holly cracked out her ol' laptop to do "homework", but instead opted for showing me the pictures from William's camera. doot doot doot... 20 minutes later, the pictures from the portion of ice fishing that i'm sure no one remembers came onto the screen. this was the time when all open bottles of liquor were simultaniously being poured into one persons mouth... and then passed on so the next could enjoy the taste of gin, vodka, rum, creme de menthe, ..were there any more? anyway. one person seemed to have 8 bottles in two hands, chugging at will. someone snapped a picture when the bottles came down. green was all over the person's face and clothes...running down thier chin and nose...off the nose goes one, maybe two drips of green... straight into the gin bottle. for picture proof, check out holly's bolg.

thanks jesse.

love

i've been thinking about the concept of love lately. straight up, i want to lay it on the table that i myself have never been in love. i've been in LUST plenty, but question whether or not i will ever really fall in love. love is the one thing that i believe can fulfill anyone's life. i'm just curious as to how something that no one can see can rule so many peoples lives and be the ultimate happiness to most.
Valentines day is just around the corner. this holiday makes me pseudo sick. some may think its because i've never been in love and that i'm bitter towards this fact. i'm not bitter. i do believe that if i'm supposed to love someone, it will happen in all due time. i just strongly believe that February 14 of every year, every man that is even so little as dating someone has the biggest headache known to mankind to overcome. they have to try to figure out what the most perfect thing is for the woman/man in their life. and why? because someone said that this is the day of "love"... and we need to celebrate it (ie: find something to buy for that special someone). the world has become so materialistic. why can't everyone that's in love celebrate love whenever they want? because society only makes heart shaped boxes of stuff once a year. PUKE. i'm a firm believer that if you love someone, you need to tell them...and often. no one can hear enough that the one that they love loves them back. and if you feel its necessary to show in a materialistic way, you need to be way more creative than going out on the day that the whole world is to buy something heartshaped. c'mon. buy a card on some random day and stick it under my windshield wiper. that's way more special and loving than anything valentines day related.

timeliness

i am sometimes horribly late for functions, and deem it necessary to be late for some things (ie: parties, get-togethers, etc...). it really irks me, though, when week after week, the same people are late to meetings. they are at the exact same time every week, you know this, you have a phone...yet no phone call is made to inform the appropriate people that you will be tardy (again) for whatever reason. i'm annoyed by this mainly because... well, they're taking my time and, consciencly or not, deciding that theirs is more important than mine. its disrespectful and one of these days, i can just tell, my patience will come to a point where it can stand it no longer. and then my mouth will run, probably hurting someone's feelings (as it all too often does) and then, that will be that.

serenity

i feel a sense of calmness this morning. the sound of the fountain trickling at work. the espresso machine buzzing next door, the fact that my car seems to be running splendidly. all these things put the smallest smile on my face and make me believe that ... Today is going to be a very good day. i hope yours is too.

drunken-ness in the big apple

its quarter to midnight in the midwest... phone just rang. its Holly. she's in NYC. thought she'd call and say HI. and let me know that she's lost in my city, and see if i could help. she just called Paul and now has directions to his house. and so i'm "looking" for street signs with her. she is "going to pee [her] pants". "Holls, is this because you have to go to the bathroom? or because you're scared?" "BOTH! someone's going to jump me!" "holly ann, you're in chelsea, no one's going to come and jump you!" although, i do feel her pain on the whole having to go to the bathroom with nowhere to go to the bathroom in that city. curious how the homeless never have a problem with that, though. its ok.. she found pauls.

aliens?

i survived another weekend in townieville.. it was actually a lot more enjoyable than i usually think being in Medford, WI is. probably because we as a family were so busy. i really enjoy my family.. generally. my mom and i usually are OK with each other. she sometimes annoys me when she doesn't understand what i'm talking about. i've had my dad wrapped around my little finger ever since he met me when i was 10 months old. little sis is growing up, wanting my approval and acceptance in everything she does...i love her. and as for the 3 bros... older one: we don't really see eye to eye on ANY issues...but i love him, bro 2: i miss his general goodness and carefully honest opinions...and i love him, bro 3: can't stand the little 16 year old bastard...but i love him.

at home, all people seem to talk about is 1: babies .. and 2: weddings. occasionally, someone will notice that i no longer dress and act like everyone else in town and inquire why... and then pretend to be interested and excited for me.. maybe they're not pretending, but definately trying to guage the amount of "craziness" that i've picked up from being in...WOO ..."NEW YORK CITY"! that's the part of small towns i'm not going to miss... the judging.

i stopped by my older brother, Patrick's house when i got back to st. cloud last night. he seemed a little distraught when walked in. i first thought that it may have been something about his girlfriend (who he brought home to meet the fam. this weekend... maybe she didn't like us or something, which is quite possible. we're kinda hard to take sometimes. take my loudness and multiply it by about 6.5 and you have the volume of our house when everyone's home...kinda intimidating for newbies). anyway...it wasn't anything about her. he's been struggling with religion and science... which is truth and why science makes more sense than what the bible says. i've always believed in some sort of evolution, but i've justified it with christianity... you know how God made the world in 7 days? to me, it makes sense that God's days are really long periods of time (like millions of years). and towards the end of the "day" that he made animals, he started making differnt forms of the mammal... and eventually, when it turned into a new "day", he had what we know as the human. Patrick, the other day, was watching a program about aliens and the bible... this sorta makes sense too, because i believe in other forms of life out there. you know how we believe angels to be white in color? well, many alien theories believe them to be white in color as well. the whole "walking on water" bit...kinda far fetched and wizzardly magical, if you ask me. but if he had assistance from angels/aliens... and what about us believing the "heavens" are in the sky. why is that? because angels sometimes come down from and return to the sky/heavens. and that's supposidly where aliens come and go to as well... i don't know what to think... i've never really known what to think. and i never really will because the bible can not be proven... this makes things very difficult for me to believe, or get a hold of, rather. weird, random things have happened to my family...me included, that make me believe strongly in some sort of spirits...and signs. somethings happened to Patrick recently having to do with our dead father and some of the belongings Patrick has of his. its so difficult to believe, yet more difficult not to.

debates

the one thing i hate most about being home is the fact that not a whole lot of people here are very understanding of those who don't believe the same things as everyone around here. this causes me to get upset and causes my dad to dig me more and more which causes me to get more upset, and the cycle continues. i very much don't appreciate people who's minds are so incredibly closed... grrr. townieville...grrr

i'm a bit jealous

i'm already tired of getting phone calls from NYC... and there's only been one thus far. i do appreciate the thought and i do appreciate that people know me that well. i do wish i was there more than anything in the world, but it only makes me sad when you call from the noisy streets just before entering the subway to say hello and that you're thinking of me... please save me, and stop calling... i'm going to cry in the corner now.

home sweet home??

i pulled into home about 45 mins earlier than i approximated to mom as i pulled out of the cloud. she was completely freaked... so, i drive faster when i want to get somewhere. can you really blame me. its late, i'm falling asleep, i just want the destination to come, and so i make that possible.

we had a surprisingly good talk. i think she's finally realizing who i am. what my desires are. all this has dawned on her in the past 2 months. last she knew, i was planning on going to germany for the summer. those plans have since been scratched and when she inquired what the new ones were, it shocked me how she didn't judge (that i could see anyway), wrinkle her nose, gasp... nothing. not even a question as to where the funds were going to come from for all the traveling my new plan entails. probably because she knows that i know i'm cut off. moms and pops are paying for stuff no more in my life (well, i have a hunch that they may chip in for that thing they call a wedding.. if i ever get to that stage in life). so as i crawl into a slumber at my childhood home, i sorta have a warm, fuzzy going... even a little lump in my throat 'cuz mom just may be letting me out of her grasps... letting herself love me as much as she can.

long awaited pictures

here are my albums from WSC 2005 and from St. Clouds (what-what?) annual ICE FISHING! enjoy one and all!

ice fishing

some of the brit's ice fishing pics

wsc pictures

time constraints

can i tell you how much i love the organization called AIESEC? i looked at my MSN buddy list the other day. over half of all of my contacts have something or another to do with @. and the other half of the people listed?... i talk to about 6 of them.. 3 of them being my siblings. i don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. for right now, i'm leaning towards good.

if i could have anything in the world right now, it would have to be another 7 or 8 hours in a day so that i could do as much stuff as i need... and a working/reliable car... shit, that makes two things. can i do that? i guess i'm making the rules here, so if i could have any two things in the world right now it would be more hours in the day and a non-P.O.S. car.

i have to drive home home tonight. this is a rather painful thought. i really don't want to head back into the cornfields of rural wisconsin. blech. it was a glorious place to grow up, but man.. it hurts going back. i just don't understand how people can be content in never leaving the county that they were born in. puts an icy chill through my body. pains me even more that my mother would ecourage me to come back there and be so dead against my dreams of seeing and experiencing the world. fear... its an ugly thing. i'll come back (to visit).. i promise, mom. i just can't handle every person in town knowing when i changed my (insert any piece of clothing you desire here) last. privacy and anonymity is what i crave for a good long while. let me find my own place in this world. i understand how letting your children go may be hurtful.. like you lose a piece of yourself, but letting someone you love go from the grasps of your hands can be the greatest gesture of love and trust known to mandkind.

opportunities and questions

i've been talking for the past few weeks to some of the national staff about furthering my AIESEC career. i've sorta been keeping this hush hush ever since WSC. i've been shaken by @ in the last two months... really started to think about what i want out of life and for the short future, i don't want to think about aiesec not being in it.

i suppose life is not worth stressing over,though. the future's coming whether or not anyone likes it. just gotta face it and deal with whatever i'm handed.

for now, all i'm really looking forward to is seeing everyone's pictures from this weekend. ice fishing never really ends up being that. curious how that kind of thing works out. ahh, how i love AIESEC.

missing them already

rolled out of bed this morning, picked up a gallon of OJ and headed to work. the boss took one look at me and the state of death i looked like i was in and turned me away. went home and crawled back in bed for 3 hours. upon waking, i still don't feel much better. i'm not quite sure if i feel this way because someone gave me some sort of bug or if the extreme swelling in my throat is from me running around barefoot all weekend in the snow. i don't think that i ever will know for sure.

i always end up having @ withdrawal after an event. its happening again. i just want everyone to come back and play some more. still sorta amazed at the Brits this weekend. mostly amazed that the Scotts ended up being my interpreters for the Englishmen. seems a little backwards, but i'll deal. i'm slowly deciding that because of my love of the British people, i just may have to move there sometime in the future.

only two weeks until the next dose of aiesec. maybe. if i don't die first...which just may happen. i haven't felt this horrible in a LONG TIME.

I HATE BEING SICK...

bossman is sending me home stat. apparently, its not good customer service to infect all the customers.

I am who I am...

Monday, February 28, 2005

hiv and kangaroos

i apologize

Friday, February 25, 2005

which is better?

Thursday, February 24, 2005

me?... nieve?

links = laughter

teavana

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

fresh popcorn delicious crisp

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

dreaming of you

Monday, February 21, 2005

late night chop busting

Sunday, February 20, 2005

this is for kaitlin jean metzler

updates on pictures you should see

why am i friends with her?... because she makes me giggle

Friday, February 18, 2005

so much yet nothing at all

sun n snow

pda thingys and other such

ya haram

Thursday, February 17, 2005

shoes

simplicity rules!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

townie tally

thick skin i have none

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

halloween pics

late nights, early mornings

Monday, February 14, 2005

better things to do

the closest thing i've ever had to having a relationship

whew.. another one down

Saturday, February 12, 2005

RoKS

Thursday, February 10, 2005

oh wow

mystery solved

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

love

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

timeliness

serenity

Monday, February 07, 2005

drunken-ness in the big apple

aliens?

Saturday, February 05, 2005

debates

Friday, February 04, 2005

i'm a bit jealous

Thursday, February 03, 2005

home sweet home??

long awaited pictures

time constraints

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

opportunities and questions

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

missing them already

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